Zumba

I have been going to Zumba for a few weeks now and I have made a few observations…

·       The people who go up front, no matter what age they are, know what they’re doing.   Unless you are that one lady that always goes by the door and moves like a three year old after raiding the Halloween candy.

·        If the instructor comes in wearing Zumba brand attire, you’re screwed. You might as well just lie on the floor in a heap, that’s where you’re going to end up anyway.

·        DO NOT go next to any other participants that have Latin blood in them. They do this shit for fun and they can do this in heels, they will make you look like you’re fighting off a swarm of bees. Even the 80 year old will make you look like a fool, consider yourself warned.

·        If the instructor wears a belly dance hip scarf, you will be doing a lot of hip and shimmy moves. The fat in your ass and legs that you’ve been trying to firm up will smack around and you will be readjusting your underwear. If you know you’re going to the class with that instructor, save yourself some effort and go commando.

·        A pregnant instructor doesn’t mean the class will be any easier. It’s almost like they have something to prove. Trust me, I believe you, you can still shake it, jump and twist through the whole hour. I’ve never been able to, so calm down.

·        Beware of any participant that comes to class wearing Zumba brand attire. I suggest you try to get them out of your direct line of vision. Their dedication needs to be commended, but they are a distraction. I can’t help but stare. These are the ones that must have DVDs at home too. They try to outZumba the instructor, sadly they rarely succeed.

·        When you are completely screwing up the moves, that’s when the bunch of guys on their way to the basketball court will stop to take a peek.

·        I have no coordination anymore. I used to dance and compete; I have trophies, ribbons and awards to prove it. I show my kids the moves in my kitchen all the time, but put me in that class and NOTHING. I can’t even get my feet to coordinate a step-ball-change; instead of a Samba I’m doing a stumble.

·        Finally, after 45 minutes I am a complete waste of space. I can hardly move my feet with the beat and I can’t even consider trying the arm coordination at this point. I just shuffle around in my spot like an old man lost in a nursing home.