Monday, July 30, 2012

Meet the Invisible (Not Imaginary) Friends

My kids have invisible friends, I once made the mistake of saying imaginary and boy was I corrected. Teddy quickly and swiftly informed me that they were not imaginary, just invisible. The friends started with Stella, she would blame her nastiness and bad decisions on Lovey, the original IF (invisible friend). It started when Stella would rip ass, turn her rump toward you and quickly say, “Smell that.” Ted and I had no idea where that came from, so one day after she did it (at the dinner table) I asked her where she learned it. She said “Lovey taught her.” Next logical question, “Who’s Lovey?” She informed us it was her invisible friend, but here’s the kicker, it was also her reflection. Now I’m just waiting for her head to start to spin.

A few weeks later Stella started talking about Merlot. I don’t drink wine, especially red wine so I have no clue where the name came from. I asked, “Who’s Merlot?” Another IF. Great now there are two. Apparently Merlot is the “good one” because she likes to paint rainbows, flowers and butterflies instead of being a nasty girl like that Lovey. Then Lisa showed up, but she disappeared as fast as Richie Cunningham’s older brother, Chuck. We no longer talk about her.

Stella’s friends had been around for a while and I guess Teddy didn’t want to be outdone so his IFs had to rear their rather eclectic heads. His are Evil Man, Dishwashing Man and Funny. Their names pretty much describe them; he’s not the most imaginative in the name department. I have been informed that Evil Man has be kicked out of the group because he’s just too evil and turned into a bad guy the others “just didn’t want to deal with that.” Well with a name like that could you blame him?

Dishwashing Man does just that, he shows up to do my dishes. When he does, he uses almost all of the dish soap and gets water all over the kitchen. Most of the time I end up having to go through the strainer and try to figure out which dishes he did so I can rewash them. It’s usually the ones that still have bubbles on them, but he’s just there to help.

Funny is around the most and he has a real job, in Texas. Somehow he gets back to our house lickety split when his shift is over, I don’t know how he travels, but it’s quick. He goes on double dates with Teddy and he’s always calling him on the phone. He got his name because he tells funny jokes, but they’re not that funny trust me and he’s in a relationship with Merlot. So I am constantly hearing about their dating saga. Really Teddy, you’re five.

So in my house there are three kids, two adults, one dog and six-ish invisible friends.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Every Day is Laundry Day

There are 5 people (3 kids and 2 adults) in my family and I do the laundry for all of them. Well maybe 4 and a half since my husband doesn’t always put his clothes in the hamper and gives me all his dirty laundry in one giant pile all at once. On top of people laundry, I find doll clothes, once in a while that’s okay, but the other day I was taking the clothes out of the dryer and I found all these tiny “things” and I’m thinking something got shredded in the washer or one of the kids took scissors to something in a fit of revenge; it was Barbie clothes, that is where I draw the line. 

I don’t mind the actual act of washing the clothes, it’s folding and putting away I just straight up LOATHE and rarely do. Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of clean clothes, they’re just in laundry baskets. I have gone so far as to go out and buy more baskets for laundry. As of right now I think I have 14 laundry baskets and I think they all have various amounts of clean folded and unfolded laundry. Putting laundry away is a never ending cycle that makes me dizzy, I get rid of one and then there are 2 more in its place! 

Having small kids means having small clothes and that means more fits into the washing machine, which leads to WAY more clothes to fold and put away. Up until recently my kids were of NO help at all. Now the Tiniest Kraus looks forward to folding laundry (don’t know where that gene came from) so she’s in charge of panties, which there is always plenty of. She is the one that should help since she’s the one with a three outfit a day habit, hence contributing to my laundry woes.

 That leads us to actually getting the laundry put away. I assemble the trio and when Stella (the Tiniest Kraus, fashionista) realizes her pile of clothes is quadruple the size of the others she starts to whine, “I can’t put that all away by myself” to which I reply, “You put them on by yourself. You can put them away or wear tattered rags.” (the ultimate threat in her tiny fashionista world). They are all sent off with their clothes; do they get put away neatly? Do they get put in the correct drawers? Do I care? NO, NO, NO!!! The clothes are folded, out of the basket and put away, mission complete.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I Offend Teddy…In So Many Ways

Teddy is five and he has his own set of rules and standards that he thinks we (me mostly) should live by. He doesn’t like some of the things I do. Things I have been doing for longer than he’s been alive and things I will continue to do for a long time to come. He doesn’t realize that he’s the one that is going to have to adjust or deal with it.

He doesn’t like the way I brush my teeth. I am at a loss as to why he gets his knickers in a knot over this, but whenever I am brushing my teeth he has to make comments about how I’m doing it. I’ve been doing it for quite a few more years than you, I’ve got it covered. You know what you can do for me, not come in here to go to the bathroom (or shall I saw pee all over the bathroom) while I’m trying to brush my teeth.

He questions my driving. If I take a different route than his father does to get to the same place, you’d think I was driving him to the third circle of Hell, there’s more than one way to get somewhere. Soon enough he will realize his father opts for the “long way” and unless I’m taking them for a “nap ride” I don’t need to just drive around. He also questions why I open the window, why I turn up the air conditioner, and my favorite car question is why can’t he drive. BECAUSE YOU’RE FIVE!!! We have actually gone to pick Maizie up from school with him in tears over the fact I wouldn’t let him drive, “Why not, it’s a short trip!!!”

My favorite offense has to my sleeping attire. One day he told he didn’t feel what I wore to bed was appropriate and I should make sure to get some pajamas. Let me clarify, I DO NOT sleep naked, listening to Teddy’s rant you’d think that was the case. I sleep in a tank top or T shirt and my underwear (which are boyshort style). I don’t walk around the house dressed like that; I have shorts next to the bed that I put on when I get up in the morning. He wears just underwear to bed (and most of the day) and he’s got the nerve to tell me what’s appropriate. I told him if he didn’t like what I wore to bed then he should stop coming into my bed in the middle of the night.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

A Conversation from the Back Seat

Let me just begin by giving some background information on Maizie. She in no way, shape or form likes to discuss, think about or see vomit. She does not like to see or hear it on TV and if someone is coughing while eating she will jet from the room in Road Runner fashion. If she has a stomach ache and you ask her if she’s going to throw up, she will get extremely offended and upset, and don’t even think about offering her the “puke bowl”, they are fighting words. Teddy and Stella both know how to use this “weakness” against her.

Maizie has just finished Kindergarten and has mastered letter sounds. She can now sound out and spell a great number of words; so many that when her brother, Teddy who is entering Kindergarten in the fall, asks her a question she will spell the answer. This has been going on for about a week and each day Teddy has become increasingly frustrated (let's face it, she's really pissing him off). His frustration leads to the conversation in the back of the minivan (they didn’t know I was listening).

The girls and I had gone to Chipotle for lunch the day before and Maizie insisted on keeping her chip bag. This was the conversation…

Teddy:  What was in this bag?

Maizie:  C-H-I-P-S

Teddy:  (Talking through his teeth) Will you stop spelling every time I ask you a question? What was in the bag?

Maizie:  C-H-I-P-S

Teddy: (Talking through his teeth and leaning really close to her) If you keep spelling words when I ask you a question I am going to throw up on you BY PURPOSE!

Maizie:  Chips

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Date Night

Just as he does every time he comes into the living room, Teddy came in and flopped onto the ottoman and told me he had a date tonight. I wasn’t all that surprised because he also had a date last night too. He was telling me about his plans when I started to think he was turning into a “playa” dating two girls. Well I guess this would be normal if my son was a teenager, but he’s not. He’s only 5. Welcome to the Kraus House.

The Kraus House consists of three children ages 6, 5 and 4, a dog that thinks she’s Mrs. Kravitz from Bewitched and two very tired parents. Maizie is the oldest and she is embarrassed by her parents, her siblings and just about everything. Teddy is a very tall boy who talks all day long. Then we come to Stella, our four year old fashionista, who can wear up to 4 outfits a day and can never have on enough accessories.

I live in a world of fights over hula hoops, video games and TV shows. We have invisible friends (not imaginary) all over the place and it doesn’t matter how many times I feed my kids, apparently no one gets enough to eat because someone is always hungry. 

Enough about us let’s get back to Teddy’s date. This was the conversation I had with him; my internal thoughts are in italics...

Teddy: I have a date tonight.

Me: With Lovey? (He had a date with her last night, she's one of Stella's invisible, not imaginary, friends.)

Teddy: Yea

Me: Where are you going?

Teddy: Well, first we’re going to get on a plane, (I’m thinking, where are you getting these date ideas? What are you watching on TV?) Then when we land in New York Merlot will be waiting. (Merlot is another one of Stella’s invisible friends)
(You’re going on a date with two girls? What a player. Seriously, I’m going to have to monitor his viewing habits.)

Me: So you’re going to pick up Lovey, take her on a plane and when you get to New York you’re going to pick up Merlot and go on a date with two girls?

Teddy: Funny (One of Teddy’s invisible friends) wants to go on a date with Merlot. He’s going to come on the plane with us and he’ll be there when we go get her.

Me: So you and Lovey are going on a double date with Funny and Merlot?

Teddy: Yes.

Me: Okay.