Kraus Kid One (or more) Liners

For years, before I started the blog I would post the funny things that my kids said or did on Facebook. My kids do and say some funny shit! I was going through my timeline reading my old posts and decided to post some of their gems, most of them are from Teddy. Happy Reading!

Teddy walked out of the bedroom with a clear plastic bag over his head and told Maizie, "Don't pop me, I'm a bubble" and apparently under every table we have is either Tidmouth Shed or Sodor Steam Works.

Alabama came running upstairs; Maizie quickly follows carrying a doctor bag. Alabama jumps onto my bed and tries to hide and Maizie says, "Alabama's not done with her checkup."

I bought new soap for the kitchen yesterday and just found Maizie washing her hands for the 4th time in the last hour. I said, "So you opened the new soap?" (1/4 of it is now gone), to which she replied, "I had to it's soap day." Silly me was unaware of such a holiday; I guess garbage day will be a day later too.

I went in the living room and Alabama was eating one of her new treats. I asked Maizie how Alabama got the treat. Maizie told me Alabama jumped up and got it off the shelf (and out of the bag) all by herself and did a back flip. I don't know who has more talent, the dog or Maizie.

May had her first powdered donut today and was chagrined. Upon learning that it was a powdered donut she looked down and reminded us that "Powder is not for donuts... it's for bums."

Maizie's new swear phrase...you scared the shit offa me.

Walking down to the soccer field today, Maizie was looking at her hands and she said, "My nails are a mess" she also told her coach when asked what was the matter. She scored 2 goals, too bad they were not in the right goal or during a "game"...baby steps.

Ted and the kids are sitting in a van in the driveway and Teddy is driving. He beeped the horn. Ted: Don't beep the horn. Teddy: I had to. Ted: Why? Teddy: There was an ass hole. Too much driving with Daddy.

I just had ET on and Teddy walked in and asked what I was watching. I told him it was ET and it was a great movie and mommy and daddy both saw it when they were little. He said, "So it's old?"...from a 3 year old.

Maizie found some bright pink lipstick and put it on. She came in the kitchen and said she needed to give me a kiss, I told her Teddy needed a kiss. He looked at her and said, "What kind of kiss? What's on your lips?" Maizie said it was lipstick. Teddy said he didn't need a kiss, he needs a hug.

Teddy sneezed.
Stella: EEEWWW!!
Maizie: Mommy, Teddy's sneezing. Me (walking into kitchen with tissue): I've got some tissue. Teddy: I don't need it, I've got my tongue.

Teddy was climbing up my leg trying to get into my lap. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Getting on your nerves"...he's so smart.

Stella told us she was moving out today, we asked if she needed any help packing and where we should send the rest of her stuff. She told me she was moving in with her mom...bad news Stell, you already live with your mom.

Teddy asked for a soda and I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. He said, "Well you're just standing there"

On Diego they just said how iguanas poop out seeds so plants can grow. Stella's comment, "Cookies fill up on candy and they poop out chocolate chips".

Teddy keeps climbing on the easel and I keep telling him to get down. He did it again and I turned and gave him a dirty look and he said, "I'm a crayon".

Teddy walked by me while I was washing dishes and said he was going mountain climbing. I yelled, "Where and what are you going to climb?" He came back into the kitchen and told me not to go into the living room until he was done climbing.

I'm playing Zuma Blitz with Teddy sitting next to me watching and he says, "You say 'shit' a lot when you play this game."

Teddy had another splinter and I wouldn't have been able to remove it without the help of my 2 surgical nurses. Stella had a water bottle and squirted him when he wiggled too much and Maizie held his hands out of the way and told him, "Quit whining like a little girl!"

Teddy and the girls are getting ready to play a game, this is what I heard...We need 2 wonderful girls since you're the only girls so I guess it has to be you.

There was a cat in the driveway and there was a debate whether it was Buddy Boy or Buddy Girl (no idea what the cat's real names are...kids came up with those names). Teddy said, "Check to see if it has balls".

Teddy just told me he put his finger in his nose too far yesterday. I asked what happened and he said it hurt his finger. I asked if it hurt his nose too, apparently not.

Stella just walked in (Alabama hot on her tail) and asked if dogs like jellybeans. I told her she shouldn't give her jellybeans because she might throw up. She looked at Alabama and asked well do they like marshmallows? Apparently the dog just had some candy.

Stella is having a huge screaming fit because she can't have any pudding. Teddy just looked at me and said, "Stella's screaming really loud" Me: "I know" Teddy just yelled to her: "Hey Stella, can you cry quieter?"

A Trip to the Beach

Teddy starts Kindergarten in about three weeks and he said to me, “I start school in three weeks; I really hope I get to go back to the beach before then.” Now I was planning on taking them the next day, but I do my best not to tell them things in advance. I don’t want to deal with the over excitement for any longer than absolutely necessary. Teddy gets very excited when it comes to going to the beach, so much that when he knows he’s going he’s up at six, in his bathing suit by 6:05am and ready to leave by 6:15am. There’s no way that’s ever going to happen. The days we go to the state beach we leave early so we can sit closer to the water, but when we go with my family we go to a private beach and there’s not much of an issue of where to sit. So we don’t even leave the house until at least 10am, pure torture in Teddy’s world and in mine having to listen to “when are we going?

Unfortunately they really started to piss me off right before bedtime, big surprise they always piss me off right before bedtime, it’s like it’s their job or something, so I lost it and said, “That’s it! I’m going to the beach tomorrow and if you’re not going to listen, you’re going to stay home with Daddy.” The funny thing is they were with me when I went to the store and bought the food I only buy when we go to the beach and they didn’t figure it out when they kept asking if they could eat it when we got home and I would say, “We can’t eat that yet.” Really? Do I ever randomly buy chocolate chip cookies? No, because Daddy or I will eat them all.

We went to the beach and meet up with my family, that means there were 16 of us in our group, plenty of people for my kids to talk to besides me. Teddy loves the water and could spend the entire day in there. Last year he started to go out little too far so I drew a line on him with a Sharpie and told him he couldn’t go past that line without a grown up; brilliant idea on my part, now he doesn’t bug me every 7 minutes to go in the water. Maizie and Stella hardly go over their knees, but yesterday Maizie went out with my sister and got wet up to her neck. So just to see Teddy reaction I gave Maizie a line on her neck. Teddy’s reaction when he saw her line was priceless, we could see his mouth drop from where we sat and did he march his pissed off self up to me and question my marking decision. “IT’S ON HER NECK! IT’S HIGHER THAN MINE!  SHE MAY BE OLDER BUT I’M BIGGER” At this point my dad and I are laughing so hard we can hardly talk. Teddy stomped away back down the beach to Maizie, where he tried to get her into the water (where she had no intention of going back into for the rest of the day) and test out her line. Eventually he got tired of talking to that wall and just went back into the water. When my dad asked Teddy why he thought Maizie’s line was so high he said it was because she had on a bikini, way to convince yourself you weren’t getting jipped.

We stay at the beach until late afternoon and in order to get Teddy out of the water and not have to go back to the house with a dripping kid, I tell him that the sea lions come out at 4 o’clock. Teddy is afraid of sea lions, so much so that around 2:30pm he’ll start asking what time it is to make sure he’s not out in the water past 4 o’clock (sea lion feeding time). Now that it’s past four what is a five year old boy going to do with his remaining beach time? Roll around in the sand and cover every inch of his body, of course. Then he’ll stick his sandy ass hand into the bag of cheese balls and ruin them for everyone, but he can no longer go in the water and that’s the price we have to pay. This lasts for only an hour maximum because the kids are so tired their attitudes make me want to take them out to the sea lions myself (there are no sea lions but they don’t know that). So we pack it in and start our trek home where they get to fall asleep before we even get to the first traffic light.

I Was Tricked Into a Yoga Class

I went to the gym this morning, after studying the schedule very carefully (I’m known for reading it wrong). At 10:30am a Pilates Mat class was scheduled, Pilates being one of my favorites coupled with the fact I haven’t been to the gym in 5 days catapulted me out of the house in a hurry. I made it by the skin of my teeth, no time to stop at the locker room…nothing.

I walk in, the lights are already out (why they turn the lights out is a mystery to me, you can’t see what the instructor is doing) but I walked in right behind another lady and it was technically 10:29am, I wasn’t late. I get an extra mat, lay my mat on top, remove my footwear and get into position. The lady who walked in right as I did asked the instructor “Is this Pilates or yoga? Because I know you teach yoga.” The instructor replied that it was going to be, “Pilates with some yoga poses.” LIAR!!!!!

The class starts out a little slower than a Pilates class, so I’m thinking (hoping) it will pick up soon. Every move we do she wants us to hold for 3 deep breaths. I don’t know what kind of free diving breathing techniques they use in yoga, but I don’t use them in my everyday life, so her 3 deep breaths were equivalent to about 6 or 7 of mine. I didn’t have a problem getting into and holding the poses, which surprised me, but having the attention span of a 2 year old my mind kept wandering and I would lean and/or fall over.

When I go to the gym I like to break a sweat, I don’t go there to relax. If I wanted to relax, I’d go to the beach or go get my nails done. For the entire hour, I did not sweat once, I did not feel the “burn” and I felt like I wasted my time, I was tricked. Needless to say, today’s class felt like an epic fail to me. And top it off; I left class with a banging headache.

If you enjoy yoga, God bless you, it’s is definitely not for me.

Bribery Is My Best Policy

I can finally have peace, they will bend to my will, if not I will take away their new favorite things. We bought them what they really wanted; now if you don’t do what I want, I will take it away. Is this bribery? Of course it is, but being outnumbered we need every advantage we can get. You better believe I’m going to use their shiny new treasured possessions as pawns in “my mommy better win” game.

Teddy got an Avenger and Harry Potter game for Xbox, Stella got a much desired Leapster (of her very own) and Maizie got a jeweled hairbrush (I know it doesn’t sound like much compared to the other two, but she really, really likes it). Now I can threaten to take away these treasures when I ask over and over again for something to be done. Now what I’m not asking for is not unreasonable for a 4, 5 and 6 year old to do. They are quite capable of putting their clothes in the hamper; I don’t need three pairs of dirty underwear on the living room floor. They can put their dishes in the sink, the dog is fat enough and for the love of all that’s holy STAY IN BED!!!

That’s the big one…STAY IN BED. The thing is they work in pairs. It’s not just one that comes downstairs, it’s two (mostly Teddy and Stella). We put them to bed, Ted reads to them, and within 3 minutes Teddy’s ass in downstairs. He needs a drink, he needs to go to the bathroom or he needs and extra hug. Bullshit, you just want to see how far you can push it before I completely lose it. If it’s not him it’s Stella telling me she “can’t sleep” or she needs a sip of water, and once again Teddy his hot on her heels because he can’t sleep without his little sister. Dude what are you going to do when you all get you own rooms?  They will run upstairs toot sweet if they hear Ted’s office door open, but if I hoot and holler about getting back upstairs…NOTHING! It’s like they’re watching a one woman show.

Last night I told them as I was giving them each a kiss that if I saw them before morning Stella was going to lose her Leapster for the day, Teddy wasn’t going to be able to play Xbox and Maizie would lose her hairbrush. For the first time in a while I was able to watch TV in relative peace (just have to figure out how to get the dog to stop barking at the bushes). Round one goes to Mommy.