Dear Dog across the Street.
You are an asshole! There’s no nice way to say it, facts are facts. You feel the need to bark at EVERYTHING!!!
The lovely lady next door to you lets you play in her big fenced in yard with her dog. You know what, for years I didn’t realize she even had a dog until I was walking by and you almost barked yourself into a stroke and I saw her dog. You know what her dog was doing? Just standing there wagging its (sorry, I don’t know the gender of the dog) tail and looking at you acting like a fool. Her dog is nice and quiet.
You bark and lunge at my car when I drive by. I know it’s not just my car because I’ve seen you do it to other cars as well. You have frequently escaped your confines of your yard and if you happen to pass by my house on your journey, you feel the need to stop at the end of my walk and bark at my house. I know why you do it, I'm onto you.
Normally I would ignore you, but I have an 80 pound obstacle to that. Her name is Alabama. Every time you feel it’s necessary to cause a commotion over the wind blowing, you get the entire neighborhood canine population worked up.
I don’t know what the dogs in the other houses do, but in my house Alabama starts snorting and barking from window to window. When she gets all worked up, she barks her dog breath all over the place and it’s pretty nasty. Then it’s time to get on the couch. She’s been doing pretty well with staying off the white couch, but you open your trap and all bets are off. Once she’s all worked up, her hair starts falling out like Witch Hazel from Looney Toons, I don’t see you coming over to vacuum it up.
How about you do the neighborhood a favor a take it down a notch? Get some Valium or something before you bust a blood vessel.
Your Annoyed Neighbor in the White House